There are days, especially before I found out about what all you have and the few days after I found out what you had.... I just wanted to go into the closet to hide. I don't want to face the world anymore but do I have a choice? I'll hide for a couple of hours and then, I have to face the world again. I have been so calm nowdays, nothing like what I use to. I use to be quick tempered, use to jump on things that eventually turn out alright and I shouldn't even have jumped in the first place. I realize that I am no longer the person I use to be and I wish I am as strong as what you guys think.
I read something posted by Melissa Rhodes yesterday, she's the mama of Nash at room 9, Nash was born at 26 weeks and have been in CMC for months. They have to possibly trach Nash as well. She was at the Ronald McDonald House yesterday since they live in Long View, TX and cannot commute like me. That's where all the parents live if you live far away. Something she posted really made me feel so sad but it's true. We all should be grateful in life. You just don't know what you have and a lot of times, you don't appreciate it until you are thrown into a situation or lost something before you realize it.
This is what she said "Just hanging out in the dining room at Ronald McDonald House is another eye-opening experience. We see children of all types here. Burn victims who have no healthy flesh on the body, precious little girls with NO legs...but a huge smile, babies who are swollen all over for some unimaginable reason, lots of kids with no hair, and we all know why...sad, sad situations that are now the every day lives of regular people. "
I am not sure why I am chosen and I don't know why a few of us are chosen for the training but I know that God is definitely making us stronger than others. Shelley tells me, she hates it when people tell her that "God gives special kids to special people", she said it's not true, God is making us special with, what he is making us go through.
So, what do you do when you've thrown in a situation like this? I don't have a choice but each day, I hope that things will get better... people tell me that you will soon live your new "normal" life, it's not the normal that others live, but it's my normal.
What keeps me going?
I used to worry a lot, wonder a lot too. I needed plans, I needed goal to be motivated, I hate to live in a life where I don't know what to expect but after this experience, it changed my way of thinking. Just have faith that things may work out eventually. Joel Osteen once preeched.... The God who closes the door. He said that they almost bought a land and wanted to build the church there, the land has been available for years and there isn't buyers and the night before they were supposed to close, a buyer came and bought the land causing them to not be able to close the next morning. He was disappointed because it seems like it's the perfect location. Now... they are at the old Compaq center, if they were to be in the other location, the Compaq center will never be their home ever. So, in other words, at that moment in life, it may seem like it will not work out since it's not as planned but God have better picture and better things ahead for us. So, stay strong and don't give up.
This is another good one that I like.
And lastly...
Yes.... I hate every min of what I am going through now.... I hate walking into the NICU, I hate seeing Laynson clamps down and turns blue and pass out, I hate it.... I miss my "old" normal life where I get to travel for work, I get to go out on the weekends, I get to do so many things instead of just going to the hospital. I don't go out, I feel bad, I don't even go to Costco just to get something because I feel like I am "enjoying" myself if I do that, so, I just head to the hospital and back each day. I don't like it at all but this is what it is now for me. I cannot quit now, I am going through a battle... like all the CCHS mom keeps telling me... the first year is the hardest, after that, it will be a lot easier... suffer now and live the rest of my life as a champion....
Thank you friends for all your prayers.... we will continue to try to stay strong like what you guys think of us :)
Anyway... thank you to your dearest Koko go gave me his version of "Thai" massage today. I feel so good after that :)
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