Friday, January 11, 2013

I survived being gone for 2 days after CCHS!

Thank you God for allowing me to successfully survive 2 days being gone from CCHS!  Yes, I was very anxious, nervous because I have never left you since the day you conceived.  Though, the original plan was, after you are out, mama would travel for work again 6 weeks later.  Of course, life is never as planned, I wish it is, then, things would be more expected and not as scary.  Who knows that 8.5 months is when mama finally got to go back to work.

I know, again like I say, those who wants to judge me, please go ahead and judge me.  Please talk behind my back, saying that I am a bad mom who leaves my kid alone, especially when my baby is a special need baby.  It's so easy talking behind my back.... but it's ok.  Please go on but for me, I am so happy. 

I still remember, 7.5 months ago, after knowing that you have CCHS, Dr Gelfand told me, Malaysia's got to come to me and that it sounded like, if I am lucky, I get to go out of Frisco, at most to Dallas.  It is definitely heart breaking.  It sounds like you will never see your grandfather, you will never have a life!!!  Though, you know mama since you were in mama's tummy, mama stayed strong even though mama gone through a lot when you were in mama's tummy.  Mama traveled for work till mama was 35 weeks, mama was on the plane with your 2 brothers, headed to see your dada at 36 weeks and we came back at close to 37 weeks.  Yes, agree that after being in the NICU, it was a crazy idea but mama wanted to show you that we are both strong people.  We are fighters.... we don't just say we cannot do it and let go.  

Mama want to tell you that, unfortunately, we have CCHS, we will let CCHS delay us but we will NOT let CCHS STOP US from doing whatever we both want!

Ok, mama admit, throughout the day at work, mama was busy watching you on the phone or internet, making sure that you are ok.  Mama saw Miss Cassandra playing with you, Miss Yemi giving you hugs and kisses at night.  Mama feel happy that we have loving nurses like them, so that mama can work peacefully.

Mama didn't get home till 9.30pm, flight was cancelled and had to fight to get a spot on the last flight out.  That use to be mama's past life that mama is reliving, even though Dean and Denny was frustrated but for me, I was enjoying it.... I did not complain one bit, I appreciated it instead :)

Allen allowed mama to go back to work every other week.  That doesn't mean that mama don't love you, in order to have a better life for everyone at home (including you especially), mama will work harder and hopefully will succeed in mama's career as well as business.  I love you sweet Shen Shen, BB and DD!

Thursday, January 10, 2013

It's tough but mama made it!!! First travel after CCHS.

It was so hard leaving you and your brothers behind but.... life must go on.  We are not going to let CCHS stop us from doing what we originally plan in life.  Yes... those of you who constantly love to judge people, judge me, go ahead.  You must be wondering, how on earth a mother can leave her kids behind traveling for work?  I am sorry but that's the nature of my job, if I want a better life for my kids, if I need food to be place on the table, if I need a roof over my kid's head, this is what I've got to do! You don't have to tell me what to do for my family, you don't know what is best, maybe you think that it's better of this or that way, but please... this is my family, this is my sons, this is my life, so, before you think of judging me or telling me what to do, please remember that!

Look at you, mama is so proud of you...  you are sitting by yourself and thanks to Miss Launa, she's teaching you how to catch up to kids your age.  You are such a strong boy, please don't ever get mama wrong whenever mama feel sad thinking that you are not a normal baby :(  It just hurts so badly, thinking that you could be a perfectly healthy baby.  I know you are trying really hard, I worry, I seriously worry that you maybe slower in everything including school, it's sad.  People keep telling me, worry when you cross that bridge, it's hard... again, this is not you, not your baby, not your family, it's so easy to say such thing.

I hate going to normal facebook, because that's not normal for me.  People are having kids, having perfectly healthy babies, their sibblings get to take pics with their newborn without tubes hanging everywhere.  Instead, I find myself going to closed facebook group, places where I now belong, where we belong.  I feel that a lot of times, Facebook is just a show off, people are showing off what they bought for their daughter, people showing off their healthy kid walking.  Yes, that's pure jealousy, I admit it.  I guess today is just not my day.

Though, mama is coming home... mama hasn't been lucky at all, so, my first flight back is delayed, 4 hours delayed.  It's ok, mama will come home, mama misses you and is watching you over the ADT app.  I love you sweet baby!

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Why are some people so inconsiderate and so insensitive?

Well, honestly, it's sad and mama try to shy away from these type of people.  People that are inconsiderate, insensitive.  There were people who asked, what's wrong with you?  Do you have down syndrome but they already saw pictures of you.  Friends that I have not talk to over 15 years would all of the sudden be so caring, asking how's my life where else when everything was ok, they never bother to even say Hi on Facebook but as soon as they hear that Laura had a baby that had to stay in the hospital for months.  Then, they send PM through facebook, talking at first and then indirectly asking about you.  I don't really share much to them, why??? Because I just didn't want them to gossip about me and you behind us.  I am sure, it will be a fun topic when they go out with the girls saying... Ohh... you remember Laura Wan?  Did you know that she recently had a baby and I heard that her baby.... blah blah blah.  That's human.

I seldom go to the normal Facebook page, so many of mama's friends are having babies or had babies, yes, they are so happy to post pics of their normal kid.  Mama is still grieving... yes, even 8 months later, I am still.  I may for the rest of my life, I don't know when, maybe someday I will stop but I am still.  I tend to find myself going to the CCHS page, Texas Mommies of the Miracle page because those are the people who actually shares and understands how I feel.  Even my closest relative won't know how I feel, they don't know that they are being insensitive but it's ok.  I continue to just share their happiness but they don't know that they are hurting me inside.  Had a friend that told me the gender of her baby and was excited, the next sentence is.... and baby is a healthy one.  She obviously did not know how I feel.  Yes, I felt offended.... it was like a smack to the face, showing off that she has a healthy baby growing but guess what?  When you were in mama's tummy, you were as healthy as can be because you were breathing through mama.  You did not have any issues at all, we all didn't know that you had this until 6 weeks later but 30 mins being out, you were already in the NICU.

Though, mama continue to count the blessings, after being in that Facebook group, mama realized how lucky mama is, you are mobile, you don't have a G Tube, yes, you have a trach but we can eventually take that out.  I always tell people, we live by the seconds, we don't know what the next second would be, but it's ok, we live and pass this second.  We can and will have plans but if it's delayed, it's ok, we both know that it won't be stop because we are both fighters!

Anyway... this is you and mama.  Picture of you before mama leaves for the first time to work.  Shen shen and mommy time and camwhores!

Ok... let's be serious!!!

Ok... now... let's act SILLY!!!!  Look at you, how happy you were!

I feel lucky to have this baby in my life :)

Monday, January 7, 2013

It's your dada's birthday today and tomorrow will be the first time mama is leaving :(

I am getting really really nervous.  In fact, I have butterflies in my tummy now thinking and knowing that I will be gone for 2 days and all I will see is you through the camera over the internet.  Will you be good?  Will you be ok?  OMG.... I just don't feel good now, feel like throwing up not knowing if you'd be ok my little baby.

This will be how mama will see you, yes, there you are, talking to one of our favorite night nurse, Miss Lorpu.

Our first birthday celebration as a family after the going through a scary period in our life :)

Yes, and birthdays is about the boys, not us, they requested 3 candles so that they each get to blow one :)

Thinking about it makes me really nervous.  Also, dada has been home since 12/22 and now he has to go back to his regular routine again :(  Why happy times goes on so fast?  I love you little baby boy!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Happy New Year 2013 baby, this will be a great year going forward!

2012 is a horrible year for mama.  We had family issues when mama was pregnant and then, after you were born, mama's life turned upside down.  Then, business started sliding because mama couldn't get shipments fast enough and couldn't answer customers fast enough.  At the very end, we've got news of Aunt Betty, whereby she was hit on Winter Soltice day and passed away on Christmas.  I hope this year will never repeat itself, it's such a horrible and cruel year to at least our family.  I do not wish to ever have to relive this.

Though, we promise each other that we will have a great year going forward.  So, we started off our New Year with FOOD of course.  We brought you to gong gong's favorite Chinese Buffet.  Yes, look at you, such a big boy, sitting down on your own, holding your favorite mum mum crackers. Of course, you ate some food from the Chinese Buffet, you ate some cheese cake... sorry, mama love chubby babies and made sure that you ate something that will fatten you up :)

Look at you, you were so happy and excited

Ohh... yummy food!

Mama, see, I am actually eating, it's not for show.

Ok, after that, your Ah Foo said he wanted to make us steamboat (HK Style)!  So, off we went to the Chinese Groceries for the first time.  Ok, this is your first time shopping, I am so proud of you.  You did not fuss at all, instead, you were enjoying, looking at things, people but unfortunately, mama needed to hide your trach because somehow, Asians are different, they would stare at you and probably even talk infront of you and not even behind you wondering why you have a trach and machines.  Sorry, mama don't understand why but mama learnt not to do that :)

Look at how cute you are... ohh and mama purposely took a pictures of you and the Asian bottles... hehehe.

Shopping with Yee Ko


Tai Ko!!!!

We had a fun day out and ended up eating Steam boat at home.  It was good since it was a cold day.  I wish and pray that we will forever have good days, ok, I know mama is being silly, it's ok to have bad days but just a dot bad, nothing like what we went through last year!!!  Love you boys and especially you little fighter!