1st year home..... YAY.... we did it! Happy 1st Anniversary!

I still remember being so anxious that morning.  It was THE DAY!!!! The day where I was supposed to carry you home, bring you home in a baby carrier, in your "going home" outfit.  Of course, that didn't happen, when we left the hospital, you were 5 months and 2 days old instead of 4 days old, mama still bought you a cute little outfit because it was a special day.  Yes, typically, I expect to bring home a little baby that wears a newborn size diaper but nope... mama brought home a BIG baby.  Mama's baby wears a size 3 diaper, same as your middle brother who is 2+ years old and guess what?  Mama definitely did not expect to bring home a baby that has teeth!  Yes, you do have teeth when you got home.  

FAST FORWARD...... 1 year later....

I am so proud of you, yes, we have scary moments, like having to call 911 exactly a week after we got home because you decided to quit breathing on us for over a minute.  Miss Yemi (our favorite night nurse) was talking to mama, we were looking back at a year ago, she said, if we just need to bag 3 times that shift, it was a GREAT night.  We go anywhere from 15 to over 20 times sometimes.  Yes my dear, that's why we are losing nurses because we do not resuscitate babies like that.  Anyway, yes, we have our ups and down but I am so proud of you.  Today, being exactly a year after we came home, you are walking, not a whole lot but quite a bit of steps. 

Look at how much you have grown?  Mama is very happy and proud of you little Laynson.

Btw, this shirt belongs to Uncle Lionel, so, this shirt is approximately 25 years old. 

Yay!!! We've got back our nursing hours.

So, ever since I saw the letter stating that your nursing hours will be cut from 168/ week to 112/week, mama has been stressing.  Yes, how would I manage?  It's not easy at all, even with 24 hours care, I am already like a cartoon running around going after your 2 older brother's activities plus work and business.  There isn't a day I go down without feeling like I am still not done with everything.

Mama was so nervous, mama called in on 9/6 at 10 am and mama invited Ms Sharon to be on the phone be with us if in case there is anything that mama cannot understand, at least Ms Sharon will be able to help us.  When we first started, the moderator said, we have decided this morning that we will resume all hours.

Thank you so much to Dr Gelfand and Dr Jenelle Wong for their letter.  I guess mama now learn another new thing in life!!! You are such an amazing mama, you teach mama so many things, now mama knows the system to fight Medicaid too.  :)  Happy happy... mama did the happy dance today.

Ohh... and Miss Cassandra is back, finally :)

Sitting down here at working, thinking about the day I read about CCHS, not knowing that one day, I would have a CCHS baby.

I have been traveling to work every other week now.  It's nice that I still have my 24 hours nursing but looks like they want to cut it down and when that happens, I am not sure how it will affect me.

Sitting down here, I have been thinking about the day where I was reading about this boy in UK.. apparently he fears to go to sleep because without support when he sleeps, he will not get up.  Little did I know that almost 2 years later, I have that problem.

Life is just full of surprises, sometimes, you may have already come across something but at that moment, it's just something that you glance through but when it hits you, then you remember... ahh... I read about this years ago. 

 

 

I'm tired.... thinking that I need to prepare stuff to fight with Medicaid to get my nursing hours.  Just not the thing that I feel like doing.  

I am currently reading Life without Limits, Nick said that everybody serves a purpose and when you talk to people, they will tell you that God is polishing me and wanting to equip me with things for future.  At a moment, I thought God wanted me to change career, but looks like... he wanted me to learn to be a schedule, a nurse, a pulmonologist and now an attorney?  Hmm.... well, I'll go now, whatever his plans are, I am sure I will be able to do it as I will fight for my little one.

 

We made it to NEW YORK... like the song... if we can make it in NEW YORK, we can make it ANYWHERE!

A year ago, on 6/22/2012, I was told that Laynson has CCHS, on 6/23/2012, we talked to our Pulm and it sounded like as if we will have a tough life ahead, as if it will be difficult leaving Dallas, TX where we live. I am so proud of Laynson, he is so strong and fights for everything, a year late, we are at NYC. This picture means a lot to me and Laynson. I want to show and tell him that I am so proud of him, and that this picture was taken with the statue of Liberty with us, telling him like the meaning of the statue, freedom.... 

Even though we have CCHS, that doesn't mean that we are stuck, we are free to do whatever we want as long as we have determination. We also managed to see one of the wonder of the world, Niagara Falls. Yesterday was exactly a year we had the trach, also the first time I met an angel Shelley . I want to thank all of my CCHS family for always being there for us, answering my questions and suggesting stuff to help Laynson. Without you guys, I wouldn't be able to take a picture, I cried inside as I was laughing with joy, it's like the song, IF I can make it in NY, I can make it anywhere is how I felt, my favorite Frank Sinatra song.

What is it like to raise a special needs child?

Some people has asked me, what is it like to raise a child with special needs?  I didn't know how to answer that question, not until I read an article.

There are a lot of moms out there, a lot of you know what you are going into, having a baby, expect sleepless nights, expect having to deal with crying and whinny baby, expect them to eat solid, expect them to sleep through the night at 4 months, expect them to crawl, then walk but for some of us... we were the same way, we expect to have our baby at full term, for the moms who has more than 1 kid, it's a "been there, done that" deal.  But sometimes, for some of us, you expect to "been there, done that" but without a warning, you've been thrown to a situation where you have never know exist.  When you were pregnant, you were never expecting to have to put your baby on a machine to help him breathe, never expect to see a hole in your baby's throat, never expect that your baby has to eat through tubes, never expect that your baby will never move except for their eyes looking at your, for me, the worst is that I never expect that I have to resuscitate my baby everyday to keep him living.

Some of us refuse to accept the fact, in fact, I myself had a tough time, trying to accept the fact, I hide behind the closet for several months, having to be on anti depression just to get up in the mornings to go to the hospital to see my baby, yet having to deal with 2 other kids at home and then, I was still working from home and dealing with my side business.  I still remember, one day, I really went into my closet, shut off all my lights and started crying and crying for over an hour because, that's where I felt like I was then... in the dark, crying and nobody to help me, asking WHY ME?

Months later, I slowly came out of the dark and realize that life has to go on.  But, when people ask me, what is it like to raise a child with special needs, I really didn't know how to answer them until I read the poem below.  It inspired me and I know that I deal with the mommy and babies business, for those mom who has to go through what I am, as well as those who just started going through and having deal with things that they totally didn't know that if they could or not, please read the poem below and WELCOME TO HOLLAND!

For me... I've been to Italy (2 Healthy Boys) and expected to go to Italy again but ended up in Holland the last time but I love Holland and Holland is where we shall stay, if you don't know what I am talking about, please, you have to read the article below and here is my BEAUTIFUL HOLLAND!

And here is Laynson, REACHING FOR A CURE someday so that not another baby and mommy have to go through what we went through!  CCHS.

Please note that this is not written by me, a mom actually shared this:

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this…

When you’re going to have a baby, it’...s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Michelangelo David, the gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland?!” you say. “What do you mean, Holland?” I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.
But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to some horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.
So you must go out and buy a new guidebook. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It’s just a different place. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

The pain of that will never, ever, go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

Written by Emily Perl Kingsley

I can't believe what I just read! I don't know you anymore!

Laynson, this is not about you, this is about me.  I am very, very upset.  I never believe that I would read this.  Someone who promised to care for us, and that would walk every step of the way with us doesn't appear.  It is so easy to just say that I will walk with you and then disappear.  I don't want to say who it is but I am sure the person knows.

I am so sad, growing up, I care so much about everyone, I don't know why I am the one chosen to have to suffer all this that you have been going through, I don't know why you are picked as well.  Occassionally I quit asking but I haven't.

So, today, I read something that broke my heart into pieces.  I wouldn't believe it and that after this, I think I know where we all stand and let's just not have anything much to do with each other since money is more important.  When your life is perfect, all you care about is YOURSELF! 

Thanks for showing me who you are and I will remember this day for the rest of my life.  Though, I will tell you something and that if anything happens to you, I will still be there for you, because I have a heart, I am a human, even a stranger that I don't know, I would give them gifts, like Sara's Smile, I don't know her family but after reading about her family, and that her dad lost a job and she wouldn't have birthday gifts, I made sure that I sent her something.  I will do the same for you but know that where you stand in my heart now!

Disappointed Laura!

I survived being gone for 2 days after CCHS!

Thank you God for allowing me to successfully survive 2 days being gone from CCHS!  Yes, I was very anxious, nervous because I have never left you since the day you conceived.  Though, the original plan was, after you are out, mama would travel for work again 6 weeks later.  Of course, life is never as planned, I wish it is, then, things would be more expected and not as scary.  Who knows that 8.5 months is when mama finally got to go back to work.

I know, again like I say, those who wants to judge me, please go ahead and judge me.  Please talk behind my back, saying that I am a bad mom who leaves my kid alone, especially when my baby is a special need baby.  It's so easy talking behind my back.... but it's ok.  Please go on but for me, I am so happy. 

I still remember, 7.5 months ago, after knowing that you have CCHS, Dr Gelfand told me, Malaysia's got to come to me and that it sounded like, if I am lucky, I get to go out of Frisco, at most to Dallas.  It is definitely heart breaking.  It sounds like you will never see your grandfather, you will never have a life!!!  Though, you know mama since you were in mama's tummy, mama stayed strong even though mama gone through a lot when you were in mama's tummy.  Mama traveled for work till mama was 35 weeks, mama was on the plane with your 2 brothers, headed to see your dada at 36 weeks and we came back at close to 37 weeks.  Yes, agree that after being in the NICU, it was a crazy idea but mama wanted to show you that we are both strong people.  We are fighters.... we don't just say we cannot do it and let go.  

Mama want to tell you that, unfortunately, we have CCHS, we will let CCHS delay us but we will NOT let CCHS STOP US from doing whatever we both want!

Ok, mama admit, throughout the day at work, mama was busy watching you on the phone or internet, making sure that you are ok.  Mama saw Miss Cassandra playing with you, Miss Yemi giving you hugs and kisses at night.  Mama feel happy that we have loving nurses like them, so that mama can work peacefully.

Mama didn't get home till 9.30pm, flight was cancelled and had to fight to get a spot on the last flight out.  That use to be mama's past life that mama is reliving, even though Dean and Denny was frustrated but for me, I was enjoying it.... I did not complain one bit, I appreciated it instead :)

Allen allowed mama to go back to work every other week.  That doesn't mean that mama don't love you, in order to have a better life for everyone at home (including you especially), mama will work harder and hopefully will succeed in mama's career as well as business.  I love you sweet Shen Shen, BB and DD!

It's tough but mama made it!!! First travel after CCHS.

It was so hard leaving you and your brothers behind but.... life must go on.  We are not going to let CCHS stop us from doing what we originally plan in life.  Yes... those of you who constantly love to judge people, judge me, go ahead.  You must be wondering, how on earth a mother can leave her kids behind traveling for work?  I am sorry but that's the nature of my job, if I want a better life for my kids, if I need food to be place on the table, if I need a roof over my kid's head, this is what I've got to do! You don't have to tell me what to do for my family, you don't know what is best, maybe you think that it's better of this or that way, but please... this is my family, this is my sons, this is my life, so, before you think of judging me or telling me what to do, please remember that!

Look at you, mama is so proud of you...  you are sitting by yourself and thanks to Miss Launa, she's teaching you how to catch up to kids your age.  You are such a strong boy, please don't ever get mama wrong whenever mama feel sad thinking that you are not a normal baby :(  It just hurts so badly, thinking that you could be a perfectly healthy baby.  I know you are trying really hard, I worry, I seriously worry that you maybe slower in everything including school, it's sad.  People keep telling me, worry when you cross that bridge, it's hard... again, this is not you, not your baby, not your family, it's so easy to say such thing.

I hate going to normal facebook, because that's not normal for me.  People are having kids, having perfectly healthy babies, their sibblings get to take pics with their newborn without tubes hanging everywhere.  Instead, I find myself going to closed facebook group, places where I now belong, where we belong.  I feel that a lot of times, Facebook is just a show off, people are showing off what they bought for their daughter, people showing off their healthy kid walking.  Yes, that's pure jealousy, I admit it.  I guess today is just not my day.

Though, mama is coming home... mama hasn't been lucky at all, so, my first flight back is delayed, 4 hours delayed.  It's ok, mama will come home, mama misses you and is watching you over the ADT app.  I love you sweet baby!

Why are some people so inconsiderate and so insensitive?

Well, honestly, it's sad and mama try to shy away from these type of people.  People that are inconsiderate, insensitive.  There were people who asked, what's wrong with you?  Do you have down syndrome but they already saw pictures of you.  Friends that I have not talk to over 15 years would all of the sudden be so caring, asking how's my life where else when everything was ok, they never bother to even say Hi on Facebook but as soon as they hear that Laura had a baby that had to stay in the hospital for months.  Then, they send PM through facebook, talking at first and then indirectly asking about you.  I don't really share much to them, why??? Because I just didn't want them to gossip about me and you behind us.  I am sure, it will be a fun topic when they go out with the girls saying... Ohh... you remember Laura Wan?  Did you know that she recently had a baby and I heard that her baby.... blah blah blah.  That's human.

I seldom go to the normal Facebook page, so many of mama's friends are having babies or had babies, yes, they are so happy to post pics of their normal kid.  Mama is still grieving... yes, even 8 months later, I am still.  I may for the rest of my life, I don't know when, maybe someday I will stop but I am still.  I tend to find myself going to the CCHS page, Texas Mommies of the Miracle page because those are the people who actually shares and understands how I feel.  Even my closest relative won't know how I feel, they don't know that they are being insensitive but it's ok.  I continue to just share their happiness but they don't know that they are hurting me inside.  Had a friend that told me the gender of her baby and was excited, the next sentence is.... and baby is a healthy one.  She obviously did not know how I feel.  Yes, I felt offended.... it was like a smack to the face, showing off that she has a healthy baby growing but guess what?  When you were in mama's tummy, you were as healthy as can be because you were breathing through mama.  You did not have any issues at all, we all didn't know that you had this until 6 weeks later but 30 mins being out, you were already in the NICU.

Though, mama continue to count the blessings, after being in that Facebook group, mama realized how lucky mama is, you are mobile, you don't have a G Tube, yes, you have a trach but we can eventually take that out.  I always tell people, we live by the seconds, we don't know what the next second would be, but it's ok, we live and pass this second.  We can and will have plans but if it's delayed, it's ok, we both know that it won't be stop because we are both fighters!

Anyway... this is you and mama.  Picture of you before mama leaves for the first time to work.  Shen shen and mommy time and camwhores!

Ok... let's be serious!!!

Ok... now... let's act SILLY!!!!  Look at you, how happy you were!

I feel lucky to have this baby in my life :)

It's your dada's birthday today and tomorrow will be the first time mama is leaving :(

I am getting really really nervous.  In fact, I have butterflies in my tummy now thinking and knowing that I will be gone for 2 days and all I will see is you through the camera over the internet.  Will you be good?  Will you be ok?  OMG.... I just don't feel good now, feel like throwing up not knowing if you'd be ok my little baby.

This will be how mama will see you, yes, there you are, talking to one of our favorite night nurse, Miss Lorpu.

Our first birthday celebration as a family after the going through a scary period in our life :)

Yes, and birthdays is about the boys, not us, they requested 3 candles so that they each get to blow one :)

Thinking about it makes me really nervous.  Also, dada has been home since 12/22 and now he has to go back to his regular routine again :(  Why happy times goes on so fast?  I love you little baby boy!

Happy New Year 2013 baby, this will be a great year going forward!

2012 is a horrible year for mama.  We had family issues when mama was pregnant and then, after you were born, mama's life turned upside down.  Then, business started sliding because mama couldn't get shipments fast enough and couldn't answer customers fast enough.  At the very end, we've got news of Aunt Betty, whereby she was hit on Winter Soltice day and passed away on Christmas.  I hope this year will never repeat itself, it's such a horrible and cruel year to at least our family.  I do not wish to ever have to relive this.

Though, we promise each other that we will have a great year going forward.  So, we started off our New Year with FOOD of course.  We brought you to gong gong's favorite Chinese Buffet.  Yes, look at you, such a big boy, sitting down on your own, holding your favorite mum mum crackers. Of course, you ate some food from the Chinese Buffet, you ate some cheese cake... sorry, mama love chubby babies and made sure that you ate something that will fatten you up :)

Look at you, you were so happy and excited

Ohh... yummy food!

Mama, see, I am actually eating, it's not for show.

Ok, after that, your Ah Foo said he wanted to make us steamboat (HK Style)!  So, off we went to the Chinese Groceries for the first time.  Ok, this is your first time shopping, I am so proud of you.  You did not fuss at all, instead, you were enjoying, looking at things, people but unfortunately, mama needed to hide your trach because somehow, Asians are different, they would stare at you and probably even talk infront of you and not even behind you wondering why you have a trach and machines.  Sorry, mama don't understand why but mama learnt not to do that :)

Look at how cute you are... ohh and mama purposely took a pictures of you and the Asian bottles... hehehe.

Shopping with Yee Ko

and...

Tai Ko!!!!

We had a fun day out and ended up eating Steam boat at home.  It was good since it was a cold day.  I wish and pray that we will forever have good days, ok, I know mama is being silly, it's ok to have bad days but just a dot bad, nothing like what we went through last year!!!  Love you boys and especially you little fighter!