Friday, January 24, 2014

The longest 10+ minutes in my life.... I thought I lost you forever!

Dear Laynson, I am so grateful to be still able to hold you in my arms.... you were gone.... lifeless for over 10 minutes.... I was bagging you and praying in my heart... God... please give my baby back to me.... Please and as I was bagging,  I was screaming.... Laynson, you can't do this to me... you can't leave me, you have to come back to mama... Laynson... you need to come back....  Friday, 1/24/2013.... a little past midnight... my heart stopped for as long as you were gone. :(

Please do not do this to me.... I love you and I need you.  You have to promise to never leave me, I have to watch you grow up, go to school, I have to yell at you to do your homework...  I have to see you get married, I have to see you do the impossible, like we always do.  Please... Laynson.... you need to quit doing this.

So.... this is all how it began.... I just got home from Landon's funeral on Thursday night, was tired as I flew home from another city and went straight to the funeral. As I got home, Laynson just got up as he was upset, it was about 9.30pm. He started fussing and turned blue, I ran and help my mom and the nurse and we managed to bag him, just another one of our regular episodes. When my mom played back the video, mom saw that Laynson was sitting on his high chair, watching his tv and at that time, his trach was out already. The nurse did not realize that. He started coughing, I guess he realized that his trach isn't in and was starting to get mad cos the feeling is different. The nurse quickly picked him up and yelled for me. I ran out and saw him turning blue, quickly got our ambu bag and bagged him. I realize that the feeling is different, I asked her, is the trach in? She looked and said oh no, it's out. I quickly switched out and started bagging him with the mask. She tried to cover the hole but it doesn't seem to be working. I quickly reached for my b tank, where my other ambu bag is and started bagging him. It was then I realized he wasn't coming up. I reached out to the phone to call 911 while my nurse starting giving him CPR through the mouth. I had to pass the phone to someone else because the 911 operator was just driving me nuts. I yelled at him because he was asking too many, saying like you said your son has a trach, where is the trach, etc... I got so mad, I said just send the damn ambulance here! I kept on bagging him while my nurse is doing chest compression. As I bagged him, I was screaming, Laynson, you cannot do this to me, you need to come back, you cannot leave mama  

Paramedics finally came, too calm, asking questions again while taking over my bagging. Told me, it's ok, we are ok because the machine finally picked up some readings... his pulse sox machine says 40s-50s oxygen. That's when I said, we've got to put the trach in (Which I know that is my biggest mistake, I should have done that before but my protocol was always to bring him back up and then put the trach on). They told me to step aside and be calm, we are ok.... I said we are NOT ok.... our oxygen is at 40s-50s.... finally, they put the trach back in and managed to bag him and brought him back up to 100. Laynsons eyes finally open but he was not responding, he looks straight through my eyes.... he was soft, like in a vegetable state. And during this whole time, my mom kept on saying... oh no... it's too long, he's gone for too long, I think this has made me conclude that even though Laynson is up, he has brain damage. We quickly went up the ambulance, I kept on calling him and he wouldn't respond to me, his eyes are open then but later just shut. I move him and called him many times, he just wouldn't wake up at all anymore  I had a zillion things that ran through my mind.... when I kept calling you and you wouldn't wake up.... I was thinking, am I going to be asked if to turn off life support for you as you will never wake up.... I asked God, why must he take you away.... I was scared.... I really was.... I cannot lose you. 

Finally in the ER, they were trying to get an IV in, he moved slowly and later started fighting. It took them close to 20 pokes to finally get 1 IV in. We were later then moved to the PICU for observation. 

You woke up the next morning, not wanting to do much.  I was afraid you would do the things you do anymore, I asked for kisses and you were reluctant, you took a step back... I was sad.  But you started warming up and stood up on the crib.  You looked at mama and mama asked for a High Five and you gave mama one, a slow one and soft one, not like your usual but you did it.  I was so happy, I said to the RT.... my baby remembers his HIGH FIVE....

After a while, you just started your usual.... you did your Kung Fu Panda moves... trying to escape your crib.... Mama calls it The great escape....

After that, you were wanting to eat, etc... I am so happy, I've got you back.  It makes me think about how we feel comfortable about what you have but in a split second, you can snap and be gone.  Lovely boy, mama loves you a lot, please do not do anything like this EVER.... I told Dr Copenhaver, mama needs a cardiac pacer really soon because mama's heart stops each time you do funny things :)

I love you sweet baby boy!  Thank you God for giving you back to me, it makes me feel so happy and thanking him each day for you!