Sunday, August 5, 2012

Overdose with Caffeine? Do I have a choice?

My dearest sweet baby boy, it's 5.30am... and I am still not able to sleep.  Not because I am thinking too much nor am I busy playing games on the computer.  It's just that, I don't have enough time to do everything that I needed to.  I am overwhelmed with work, business, worrying about you. 

Please come home soon, I miss you and want to be with you all the time.  We bought paint to paint the house and especially to paint your future nursery.  We will be converting our formal dining area to become your nursery until the day you are ready to move in with your brothers.  Here is a picture of the new color and the color your nursery will be... yes, it's simple, Opal cream color but mama is going to put some cute stickers and pictures of you and your brothers.

Honestly, mama hasn't been sleeping much lately, sleeping at 4-6am almost everyday and only 3-4 hours of sleep.  I feel like a walking zombie but do I have a choice?  As I am sitting down, writing this blog, it's 5.30am, I feel nauseated.  In order to keep myself up and going during the day, I drank at least 3 cans of coke. 

I went to the hospital with dada at 7.30pm, yes, I feel guilty... each day if I don't spend at least 6 hours with you, I feel like a bad mama, I will be beating myself up and feeling like I have abandoned you.  When I got back home, it was close to 2am but I am 5 days late with shipments.  I have testing for work to do.  :(  I remember dada telling mama about the 5 hours energy drink. I needed something to wake me up badly.  I needed to work.  I had to talk to my supplier as I am about to be out of stock on items :( 

I told dada that if you were to be home, I will be able to grap hold of things a lot better.  Please come home.  I think I took too much caffeine today, 3 cans of coke + 1 bottle of 5 hours energy drink is giving me a severe headache and feeling nauseated, in fact, I just threw up :( 

My precious baby boy.... when are you coming home?  Mama is feeling very tired... most times, mama feel like a failure, mama cannot please everyone.  Customers getting mad at mama for shipping late, for screwing up orders because mama is like a zombie most of the time, mama is feeling guilty and mama knows that mama's boss is probably thinking that mama is not taking work seriously, and mama feel so sorry for your brothers because they hardly get to see mama and dada and worst of all, mama feel so bad that you have to go through what you are going through.  When will things be a little smoother in life? 

I know that my depression is again surfacing because I haven't been taking my pills... why?  I cannot take the pills because it puts me to sleep within 30 mins, I cannot afford to sleep... I don't have time to sleep.  I feel guilty going to bed now too because when I lay on the bed, I will be thinking of what I didn't do and what I have to do the next day and yet, I am not able to catch up.  I must have done something wrong to deserve all of this and my poor baby.... you are suffering because of something that I did and I am so sorry!!!

I have been listening to songs on youtube and I found this song...

Unfortunately, this song is for a Laura that passed away... I feel that the Laura that I once knew is no longer living... Think of Laura but laugh and don't cry....  Be happy for me for still having you.

Every once in a while I'd see her smile
And she'd turn my days around
A girl with those eyes
Could stare through the lies
And see what my heart was saying
Think of Laura but laugh don't cry
I know she'd want it that way
When you think of Laura but laugh don't cry
I know she'd want it that way

A friend of a friend
A friend to the end
That's the kind of girl she was
Taken away so young
Taken away without a warning
I know you and you're here
In every day we live
I know her and she's here
I can feel her when I sing
Hey Laura, where are you now
Are you far away from here
I don't think so
I think you're here
Taking our tears away

Towards the end of my day... this is what keeps me fighting and going

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