Saturday, January 24, 2015

A year since the scariest day of my life - 01/24/2015

A year ago, I almost lost you, it was the scariest day of my life.  When they were able to revive you, I thought you had brain damage and holding and bagging in the ambulance.  I imagined the worst, people asking me to turn off your life support machines and let you know.  At that very moment, I felt like the world is so cruel.  Why would God do such a thing, giving us hope and such a cute son and then take it away.  The journey from the house to the hospital took forever is how I felt.  They told me that there were police cars, fire engines, etc but I saw nothing, all I knew is to dash up the ambulance, we need to save you. 

But you have always been a fighter.  You have the fighting spirit of your mama, but on the other hand as I think about it, I think you are the one the stronger one.  Mama has learn so much from you.  You fight, you disagree, you are rebellious and all that in you makes who you are today and this is the spirit that keeps you here today.  I am so proud of you.

On 1/22, grandma called me telling me that you are sick again.  You can't be off the vent.... again, I cannot help it as I just read about how Landon passed away.  His mama wrote ever detail of how he passed on and I cannot help it but to cry like a baby because I cannot imagine being Brandy and the saddest part is to bury her son on her birthday.  Again, I thought, what has this sweet lady that inspires so many people and she is the one that I look up upon to continue my journey deserves this?  I was so worried, I cannot help but to think about scary stuff.  All the what ifs???? What if God just gave me one more year with you and he's about to take you away?  Sloane passed away around 2.5 years old suddenly.... it is so scary.  I have seen you gone in front of my very own eyes, I am scared.

I decided to take no chances, I've got to fly home.  I took off and found the last fight out of Greensboro, NC.  I didn't care what time I would land,  told myself that I needed to go home to see you.  If in case anything happen, I wouldn't forgive myself for not being with you.  Honestly.... finally 1/24/2015 12.26 am came.... I didn't want to live through this moment.  I went to bed and slept.  I am so glad... it was just another day and I know that eventually, I will over come this day.  I love you sweet heart....

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