Good days and bad days.... I feel defeated today :(

I always say that you dictate mama's day now.  Today, I just feel like a failure and defeated.  I am tired, I just didn't want to wake up this morning.  We were supposed to be heading to Our Children's House today but instead, when we called, we were talking to Dr Moore.  When a doctor is at the bedside instead of during rounds, you know he's not at his best. 
When we got here, they sent you down to do the barium enema.  They did an X-ray on the tummy and found some things in the intestine that they want to check.  Since mama told Ms Tammie the NP about Landon's (the other CCHS kid here in Dallas), about his partial intestine with cell and then again no cell and back to got cell, I guess she is now also thinking if you could possibly have that issue, so, that's why they sent you down.  Anyway.... we still don't know the results yet for now.

At about evening time, Latanya the nurse came and told us that we needed to wear the gown because they found some bacteria in the air on the trach?  Ok, I am still not getting it but anyways, I already suspect something isn't right.  I had to suction you so much yesterday and I can see that you are coughing.  Your secretions were yellowish, I just know can sense that you are not feeling well, again looking at you sleeping so much, I know right away you are just not feeling your best.

Mama is just tired of everything, 2 customers just got onto mama today.  One that stated that she is disappointed because I didn't have the color that she wanted, sorry but I just ran out of the color and another one wanted to return after the diapers being used.  Even if we go to Ross to purchase a pair of shoes and worn, they won't accept returns, I have been trying my very best to accommodate them even while going through this hardship with you.  It hasn't been getting on to me much lately, either the anti-depression is working OR I have changed after going through this times with you.  You changed my thoughts that I shouldn't be jumping on small issues, you are my priority now but today isn't a good day for me, it got to me :(

The NP said that they will talk to the GI doctor tomorrow after your barium results is out but Dr Magason the surgeon came and he said that he doesn't think that the lower part is the issue if that's the case after he checked.  So, we would know more tomorrow but dada won't be here, he will be going back to Phoenix tomrorow :(

Here is a picture of you sleeping again...

This is you, right before they pushed you down to do the barium enema

After you got back, you had a big blow out... the nurse had to clean everything including your sheets, so, Dada got to carry you while koko take the opportunity to give you love.

Here is some kisses from big brother.

Ok, I think dada's CO2 is high too because he seems to be sleeping a lot????

I feel like I am going through what we went through over again where your respiratory is not good, your tummy is giving issues.  I thought we were past that but I guess I was wrong.  That's why I feel like I've been defeated today.  I just don't want to get up at all to face the world.  Again today, I feel like I needed to hide in the closet and not come out.  I again ask myself, if I can do this and again why me?